Getting married reveals many mysteries that
few men ever could have predicted. Today’s amazing fact is that rags belong to
different social classes. The first clue a husband gets into this seemingly
secret hierarchy comes when he, under the car or under the sink or on his knees
attempting to mop up a spill with a paper towel, shouts out to his wife,
“Honey, I need a rag!” Naturally, he in his cluelessness expects his bride to answer,
“Of course, sweetheart. Here are several.” Instead, he is surprised to hear her
ask, “What kind of rag?”
To save my readers the
embarrassment of answering, “You know, just a rag,” thereby provoking an
argument that will likely end in his sleeping on the sofa for the next several
weeks, here is the explanation.
At the top of the social
hierarchy are the Royal Rags, often indistinguishable from Guest Towels. They
are frequently folded neatly, stacked together in a pile of half a dozen or so,
and ensconced in cute little ceramic holders in the bathroom. But beware, O
man, Royal Rags are not to be used under any circumstances. Pity the husband
who dries his hands on one. And should he wipe his greasy hands with one after
changing the oil in his wife’s car, well, that thought cannot be completed.
Just remember: Royal Rags are part of the decor, not part of your toolkit.
Next are the Good Rags.
These rags often have all four edges sewn, are nicely rectangular, and have no
holes or rips. Good Rags may be used for light jobs such as wiping the bathroom
mirror, cleaning one’s glasses, drying
the dishes, and so forth. It is not a good idea to take some of these to
the garage or workshop, because they will be in danger of getting soiled. If
you have a dirty job, you need to use Worker Rags.
Worker Rags supply the
backbone of household cleaning tasks. They can be used to mop floors, wipe the
mud off shoes, apply some preserve-and-shine treatment to tires, clean the dust
off neglected book shelves, scrub the shower pan, and other elbow-grease-required
tasks.
Finally, at the bottom of
rag society—and ironically enough, the most useful and hardworking in the rag hierarchy—are
the Kamikaze Rags. Kamikaze Rags can be identified by their often irregular
shape, frayed edges, stains, and evidence of a former life as a bath towel,
bedsheet, or T-shirt, before being cut or ripped into rags.
These rags can be used for anything—wiping
greasy hands, cleaning up after an event by Junior or Fido, applying some
strange chemical to clean some rusty tools, wiping the runs off a paint can, removing
the grease from a lawnmower, or any truly yucky task. Unfortunately, Kamikaze
Rags are used only once. So husbands, take note: always keep a supply of Kamikaze
Rags on hand. The ones you use and hand to your wife are headed for the trash,
not the washing machine. Those super handy little red rags you can get in the automotive
department of hardware stores are perfect for grimy use. Just remember that
they are mortal and will not be reincarnated. No woman wants to launder her
delicate unmentionables in a washing machine that has been used to clean filthy
rags. (Ever wonder why auto repair shops have their own washing machines?)
In addition to a personal
supply of Kamikaze Rags, every husband should ask his wife to identify the
various living accommodations of each of the other classes of rags, in order to
avoid issues (as they are called). Pay special attention to the domicile of
Worker Rags, since these are the ones you are least likely to get into trouble
if you use them.
From Glimmering 2029, in Glimmerings III by Robert Harris
