Rags for Husbands: An Explanation

Getting married reveals many mysteries that few men ever could have predicted. Today’s amazing fact is that rags belong to different social classes. The first clue a husband gets into this seemingly secret hierarchy comes when he, under the car or under the sink or on his knees attempting to mop up a spill with a paper towel, shouts out to his wife, “Honey, I need a rag!” Naturally, he in his cluelessness expects his bride to answer, “Of course, sweetheart. Here are several.” Instead, he is surprised to hear her ask, “What kind of rag?”

To save my readers the embarrassment of answering, “You know, just a rag,” thereby provoking an argument that will likely end in his sleeping on the sofa for the next several weeks, here is the explanation.

At the top of the social hierarchy are the Royal Rags, often indistinguishable from Guest Towels. They are frequently folded neatly, stacked together in a pile of half a dozen or so, and ensconced in cute little ceramic holders in the bathroom. But beware, O man, Royal Rags are not to be used under any circumstances. Pity the husband who dries his hands on one. And should he wipe his greasy hands with one after changing the oil in his wife’s car, well, that thought cannot be completed. Just remember: Royal Rags are part of the decor, not part of your toolkit.

Next are the Good Rags. These rags often have all four edges sewn, are nicely rectangular, and have no holes or rips. Good Rags may be used for light jobs such as wiping the bathroom mirror, cleaning one’s glasses, drying  the dishes, and so forth. It is not a good idea to take some of these to the garage or workshop, because they will be in danger of getting soiled. If you have a dirty job, you need to use Worker Rags.

Worker Rags supply the backbone of household cleaning tasks. They can be used to mop floors, wipe the mud off shoes, apply some preserve-and-shine treatment to tires, clean the dust off neglected book shelves, scrub the shower pan, and other elbow-grease-required tasks.

Finally, at the bottom of rag society—and ironically enough, the most useful and hardworking in the rag hierarchy—are the Kamikaze Rags. Kamikaze Rags can be identified by their often irregular shape, frayed edges, stains, and evidence of a former life as a bath towel, bedsheet, or T-shirt, before being cut or ripped into rags.

These rags can be used for anything—wiping greasy hands, cleaning up after an event by Junior or Fido, applying some strange chemical to clean some rusty tools, wiping the runs off a paint can, removing the grease from a lawnmower, or any truly yucky task. Unfortunately, Kamikaze Rags are used only once. So husbands, take note: always keep a supply of Kamikaze Rags on hand. The ones you use and hand to your wife are headed for the trash, not the washing machine. Those super handy little red rags you can get in the automotive department of hardware stores are perfect for grimy use. Just remember that they are mortal and will not be reincarnated. No woman wants to launder her delicate unmentionables in a washing machine that has been used to clean filthy rags. (Ever wonder why auto repair shops have their own washing machines?)

In addition to a personal supply of Kamikaze Rags, every husband should ask his wife to identify the various living accommodations of each of the other classes of rags, in order to avoid issues (as they are called). Pay special attention to the domicile of Worker Rags, since these are the ones you are least likely to get into trouble if you use them.

From Glimmering 2029, in Glimmerings III by Robert Harris